


Mary and Julian (and Julian)

by kateyboosh, starsonthebrow



Category: The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: Banter, Blow Jobs, Blowie miracles, Crack, Dressing room blowies, Dressing room mirrors, Happy Ending, Julian hates photoshoots, M/M, Noel likes to watch, Religious Experiences, Sacrilege, The Virgin Noel, and what Julian gets up to underneath them, in his lovely robes, not this one though, this is normal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28035426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kateyboosh/pseuds/kateyboosh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsonthebrow/pseuds/starsonthebrow
Summary: It was just supposed to be a photoshoot for their latest NME cover. A quick chat, slap the straighteners and silver polish on, get the hay and the animals in, take some photos, and then off to the night’s gig.Wasn’t that simple, though.
Relationships: Julian Barratt/Noel Fielding
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9
Collections: Trash Triplets Crackmas 2020: It's All About Range





	Mary and Julian (and Julian)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Terrantalen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terrantalen/gifts).



> For Terrantalen. 
> 
> This fic will make a whole lot more sense if you know that it’s based on the 2008 NME Christmas cover photoshoot, if you know that Noel legitimately told the interviewer that “to get back at hotels I don’t like, [I] put used johnnies in the DVD tray,” and if you watch [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JsgO6vK1Jg) beforehand and pay special attention to the name of the donkey.

It was just supposed to be a photoshoot for their latest NME cover. A quick chat, slap the straighteners and silver polish on, get the hay and the animals in, take some photos, and then off to the night’s gig. 

Wasn’t that simple, though. 

When Julian heard the concept, he’d laughed. Of course he chuckled at Rich, Mike and Dave as three wise men. Of course he was thrilled to play the baby Jesus, a little beheaded doll’s body taped to his neck. 

Of course he’d grinned at the idea of Noel as the Virgin Mary. It meant he would get to be in Noel’s lap all afternoon. It meant payback for all of the teasing Noel had subjected him to for the first seventy-odd dates of the tour.

He hadn’t been subtle about it, wriggling around to reposition and pressing back into Noel and lifting his brows at him when the photographer turned to redirect the lights or change the angle they were shooting from. Having Julian that close and that handsy under his virginal robes and against his bare legs had left Noel in something he considered as a less than holy state. 

Julian didn’t seem bothered about it. Of course, back in the dressing room after the shoot had ended and the wise men had popped off to get ready for the gig, Julian wasn’t the one sporting a massive erection. He was just sporting a massive wolfish grin.

Julian almost snorted aloud when Noel declared he might need a bit more time to get changed and sent the others on their way. “Ju and I will get a cab!” He had told them with his silver nails tangling into Julian’s shirt to pull him toward the dressing room. Julian had shrugged in their direction and was almost sure he saw Mike fake retching while Dave rolled his eyes. 

Rich had shouted back, “Sure thing, guys, just save some energy for my pre-show bumming later!” Julian sent him some kissy faces before Noel pulled him in and slammed the door. 

Before Julian can mention anything about “subtlety” Noel’s mouth is on his, pressing his robe-covered body into Julian’s plaid, his erection still evident even underneath all the layers. “What are you playing at, Barratt?” He says breaking for air, his voice high and fussy. 

Julian shrugs, “I was just trying to make sure you looked extra saintly, kept your vow of chastity.” He laughs, kissing at Noel’s neck. 

Noel huffs. His face is red and he looks ridiculous with his hair still hooded and robes billowing around him. He all but growls out, “And how was pawing me at me under my robe supposed to help that?” 

Julian smiles a wolfish grin, “You at least made it to the dressing room.” He dips to kiss at Noel’s throat and suck at his Adam's apple, which he knows will immediately shift Noel from “How dare you give me a boner during a photoshoot,” to “Let’s do something about this boner immediately.” 

He is trying to get to any of Noel’s skin below the neck, but all his attempts are hindered by seemingly endless layers of material. He thinks about this briefly with a silent chuckle. Perhaps that was the point of all this. 

Noel’s whine pulls him out of his thoughts. He’s pawing at the dress as well, almost in a panic. He’s not used to having this much material between his dick and the outside world. “Get me out of this thing, Ju’yin!” He goes to lift the skirts over his head, but Julian stops him with another lecherous grin. 

Noel is meant to be getting changed, so technically, when Julian ducks under his robe and pulls his pants down like he’s unwrapping a present, he’s helping.

Julian’s always been methodical in the way he opens gifts, careful like he’s trying to save the wrapping paper for the next present he needs to conceal, taking it off without tearing it. Noel huffs. Of course that’s the way he’s sliding Noel’s little blue pants down now, kissing at the band and teasing his tongue along Noel’s stomach, looping his fingers up through the material at his hips and tugging gently like he's straightening out the corners on a package before sellotaping it. 

Not that he does that when he actually wraps gifts. He _doesn't_ actually wrap gifts. He leaves that part to Noel; otherwise, Julian's secret Santa gift for the tour would have been presented to the recipient as a shambles, bits all sticking out and paper taped wrong. 

Noel didn't mind wrapping it, honestly. It meant he got to pick out the paper and do a little drawing on the card, and he still acted surprised when he opened it on gift exchange night and saw the same bright orange fuzzy socks he'd wrapped. 

Well, he hadn't so much opened the gift as he'd shredded the paper when it was his turn to unwrap. If Noel had his way, his pants would be off the same way, in a flash. 

When Julian’s _finally_ got the pants around his ankles, he’s expecting him to pop out from under his robes and unzip him. Unbutton him? He doesn’t remember how he got into costume, only that he wants out, and he wants Julian’s hand or mouth or anything on his dick as of three seconds ago.

Julian doesn’t come out, though. He settles in, a hand around Noel’s hip, the other pulling the fabric away to give him a pocket of breathing room. 

“Oh,” Noel says, watching his mouth fall into an O at the grip of Julian’s hand around the base of him, Julian’s lips teasing at the tip of his cock. “ _Oh_.”

Little wet sounds start to filter up through the material of his virgin’s robes as Julian licks him from tip to root. “You really are a kinky bastard, Ju,” he grins. “Everyone assumes it’s me… they have no idea.”

A muffled "Strong words from the man dressed as the Virgin Mary sporting a stiffy… it’s you" is the response. Noel pushes his hips forward and hums when Julian gives him a pump. “Very subtle telling the entire readership of the NME that you put our used condoms in the hotel DVD trays.”

“What? ‘S important to have safe sex,” Noel says, pushing his hips forward impatiently. “Come on, Ju,” he whines. “Don’t be angry. Besides, maybe someone will find one and use it to make a Boosh baby.”

Julian seems to enjoy that thought, a stifled chuckle coming up through the robe as he kisses along the side of Noel’s cock. “I-immaculate conception, Ju. They’d never know if it was mine or yours,” he pants.

“Right. The nose wouldn’t give it away one bit,” Julian responds before latching on to the tip of Noel’s cock and giving his tongue a good swirl around the head. 

Noel can’t help the moan that falls from his lips, but he tries to cut it short at that remark. “Doin’ a lot of talking for someone who’s meant to have his mouth busy.” 

Julian licks at his tip, letting out a little playful hum in response as he wraps his mouth around him again.

Noel’s voice is breathless, still a bit fussy when he goes on, “Besides, they’d know it was yours if its feet smelled like death from a mile away.” 

Julian grins around him and sucks him tighter, takes him almost all the way in and Noel goes a little shaky in the legs. He leans back against the wall and spreads his legs wider, attempting to grasp at Julian through the robe. He settles on just bunching the material around Julian’s head in his hands since he can’t get to his hair. 

Julian works him up and down, pumping what he can’t get in his mouth. When he sucks at the sensitive head and tongues at his slit Noel sighs out, “Oh, Ju’yin, Jesus…” 

Julian pops off and Noel’s hips almost chase him, “Isn’t that incest?” He says, a bit more thoughtful than the current situation calls for. 

Noel’s brain plunges back into rational thought for a minute and he laughs. It dissolves right into another moan as Julian takes him back in, swirling his tongue and sucking him just the right way to make him feel like he is indeed experiencing some type of heavenly episode. Noel briefly thinks of calling it A Blowie Miracle. He could do better, but his mindpower is currently being sucked out of him by Julian’s talented mouth. 

Noel forgets how to string words together shortly after that as Julian steps up the pace. He only stops once to pop off and ask Noel to stop suffocating him under his robes, please, before diving back on. Every time Julian gets his suction tight and squeezes at Noel's bare arse with his massive hands, it's like brilliant flashes of fairy lights behind his eyelids. He thrusts his hips forward just a bit and Julian gives him a little tap under the robe. It means “behave,” but Noel’s never been good at that. 

When he blinks his eyes back into focus, he catches sight of them in the corner of the dressing room mirror. Through his haze, he giggles at his flushed face, unholy in his robe, tented with Julian’s bobbing head and his booted legs sticking out from under. 

Noel starts lifting the hem of his robe, inch by inch, until he can see the backs of Julian’s handsome legs in his jeans in the mirror. He nearly lets the robe drop back down when he sees the loud plaid of Julian’s shirt, but Julian chooses that moment to hum around him, appreciative of light and fresh air, and it feels so good, he keeps going until he has the equivalent of a bolt of fabric bunched around his waist. He tries to look down but there’s too much material to see anything, so he curls a hand into Julian’s hair and watches his reflection work. 

Noel is starting to forget himself and forget where he’s at. He’s whining Julian’s name now in a variety of syllables and variations. Between the wet slurps, the movement of Julian’s head and the delicious pressure on his cock, he’s not thinking of anything besides the rise of the heat low in his belly signaling his building release. 

Noel exhales the loudest “Julian!” yet as Julian curls his tongue around the head of his cock right before he comes. He’s not sure if it’s an orgasmic hallucination when he hears the low distant sounds of a braying donkey as his body shakes and he spills into Julian’s mouth. 

It takes several minutes of recovery before Noel actually thinks about this and giggles. “Julian, what was the donkey’s name, again?” 

Julian groans, wiping at his mouth and dusting off his jeans as they search for Noel’s discarded pants. “His name really wasn’t Julian, was it?” 

Noel throws his head back into a cackle, finally working himself out of his now frumpled robes.

Julian throws his pants at him and chuckles, “You’ve worked that animal up, you know. They can perceive danger.” Noel’s cackles grow as he shimmies into his jeans. 

Julian raises a brow and continues, “They sense it and they want to flee. It’ll be chaos when we go back out there.”

Noel is working at his hair in the mirror, (A useless prospect, he reasons. Virgin veils are not conducive for a good barnet.) “All the animals might’ve escaped, kicked it all over, just because you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself.” 

Julian shrugs, “You know I get bored during these photoshoots.” Noel rolls his eyes, but grins when Julian pulls him by his hips to drop a peck on his lips. “You never seem to mind when you’re screaming my name though, Fielding.” 

Noel pushes him away playfully but smiles recalling quite a few photoshoot happy endings. 

“Yeah, alright, true, but if the goats got loose and into the wardrobe, you’re buying me a new coat, Ju’n.” Noel fingers at the rumpled sleeve of Julian’s plaid nightmare shirt and scrunches his nose, silver fingernails flashing against loud neon colors. “Hopefully that little black and white one ate all your clothing, though.”

Julian chuckles. “I’m sure it’ll be panic in the streets and Christmas will be canceled when we go back out. Coal and tube socks for everyone.” He catches Noel’s arm as he reaches for the door. “Can’t go just yet, though.”

“Why’s that? We’re gonna be late getting to the venue if we take much longer,” Noel responds. 

Julian lifts a brow and hops up onto the little makeup table. He gestures at his crotch and his very hard cock pressing up against denim.

“Go on, unwrap your gift, Fielding.”

Noel cackles and leans in to kiss him. He bats his lashes as he sinks down between Julian’s spread legs.

“Oh, Ju, you shouldn’t have. You always know just what to get me.”


End file.
